And its all down hill from here...

So yesterday was my last Notre Dame football home game as a student. It is a very depressing thing or that to really be true. We have ad such an abysmal season and finally got a home win to go out on a.. well I want to say high not but we only beat Duke, so I will just say we went out on a mid-range note. I stayed in the stadium as long as I could after the game, there were definitely tears in my eyes I wont lie about that. I was standing there looking around the stadium and realized how fast the past three years at this amazing school have been, how much I have grown and how everything really revolves around football. I remember last year after the last home game the thought was okay whens the next season start, last night standing there I wanted to think that but the thought was more whens the next time I will be able to make it out here for a game. And I could not come up with an answer. I have a job lined up for after graduation but I don't know where I will be with it and I don't know what will be going on in my life in 6 months really. That is scaring the crap out of me. The fact that my there is nothing to look forward to really in my college career anymore that it is all down hill from here, is something I never thought I would have to deal with. It has seemed so far off. Even when I got the job or when my friends have been getting engaged or married, I was denying that the real world was coming soon. And know here I am sitting with the real world at the door step and for pretty much the first time in my life I am kind of afraid to start this next chapter. Which is really uncharacteristic of me, I always am willing to jump right into things and go full blast, doing a half-iron man and full marathon in my first endurance sport season as an example. But here I am doubting myself and it is a weird feeling. I have a feeling this whole confusion about the next step in my life also has something to do with my turmoil that is my race season next year, well at least thats not helping. I have been defining every plan that I have made for the past year with my training and without a race my training has gone out the window and so has my structured brain too.

Well I am scared right now, I know that I will make it out in the end, I always have and refuse to quit so I know I will make it no matter how battered and bruised I come out in the end. The issue is just getting control of my scattered brain right now. Thinking about my future career, future relationships (if any haven't had luck in that department in a while), future opportunities to grow; well just the future in general has made me start to go nutty. I think I need some of the therapy I used to get when in a situation like this, good old mountain therapy. Go push my limits screaming down a hill attached to my snowboard fo some reason has always helped clear my mind and settle everything back down. That will have to happen soon...

Active.com can burn in hell

While attempting to register for IMFL today on the last page of registration where you hit submit so that they can charge your credit card, I hit submit and the page times out. I try to go back and hit submit again and it punts me out of the system and asks me to login again. I login again and try to register again from the beginning and guess what its god-damn full! ACTIVE.COM CAN GO BURN IN A FIREY HELL. I know there may be community fund slots but being a college senior graduating in May I barely have enough money to allow myself to register and train never mind and extra 500 sitting around to give to charity. There goes all of my goals for next race season, all of the planning I had done to get myself ready to compete at that distance, out the window say good bye. F%&K!